All My Broken Heartbeats
by blue252
Summary: "So she brought her hand to rest on his. And for the first time in a while, she allowed herself to hope." Two-shot. Very minor spoilers from 47 sec, The Limey, and Always promo.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Just a little two-shot inspired by the song Distance by Christina Perri. All italicized lyrics are from the song. The lyrics just stuck with me and I had to get this out. It's slightly AU. Basically, it's as if we've gone from Headhunters to Always without Undead Again happening. I hope you guys enjoy!_

* * *

_._

_The sun is filling up the room_

_And I can hear you dreaming_

_Do you feel the way that I do right now?_

_I wish we would just give up_

_Cause the best part is falling._

_._

Sunlight peeks through the thinly veiled curtains in Kate's apartment casting tiny golden rays onto the couch where Castle lays sleeping, passed out from a night spent pouring over every last detail of the case. The case…her mom's case. The case she's let define her, drive her, almost take her own life.

Kate tiptoes across the hardwood floor, trying her best not to wake him. He deserves the rest. Her partner (well-more than partner-if she's being honest with herself), the man who showed up last night, forced her to eat, and refused to leave her alone. He definitely didn't need to be woken at this ungodly hour.

Kate had tried to sleep longer herself, only giving up after she tossed and turned for over an hour. Once the first hint of sunlight began to brighten her room, she kicked off the covers and padded out towards the kitchen, hoping that coffee would at least help to get rid of the dark shadows that had taken residence under her eyes.

Kate paused when she heard a small sigh escape Castle's lips as he shifted slightly on the couch. After a few seconds he stilled again, breathing steadily. As she stood gazing at him, a sudden wave of emotion swept over her. She wished so badly to reach her hand to the side of his face, to brush the bangs out of his eyes…to feel the warmth of his body at her touch. She was completely, irrevocably in love with him. The kind of love that had made her ache inside. The kind of love that left her screaming until she woke from the nightmares where it was him who took the bullet and not her. If she'd ever doubted the depths of her love for him in the past, those days were long over.

It'd been almost a year since the sniper. A year since those three words first began to haunt her both awake and in dreams. Did he mean them? At times she could not have been more sure of his love for her. The easy touches, the morning coffees, all the subtext, _always_.

But lately, nothing seemed to really be in sync for them. It was like a switch had been flipped. Doubt crept up slowly as he seemed to become more distant during the bombing case. Then, it hit like a freight train when he paraded Jucinda (Jacinda, Lucinda? who cares…), the stewardess, in front of her for date after date. But, when he actually left her for a new muse, doubt turned to outright pain. Maybe she'd been wrong all this time…or just too late.

He was here now though. She could tell his guard was still up but there were times she'd catch him looking at her, almost hopeful. The most beautiful glint of something in his eyes. And whatever it meant, Kate wanted more of that.

She didn't know how much more she could take. She was tired of the wall. She'd worked so hard the past year, for herself and for him. For them. She sometimes (well, a lot of times) hated herself for being such a mess. If only they could just fall together. It was supposed to be the best part. And she wanted that more than anything. She just wished she could be sure that he'd catch her. She wanted _always_ back.

_._

_Call it anything but love_

_And I will make sure to keep my distance_

_Say I love you, when you're not listening_

_And how long can we keep this up, up, up?_

_._

Rick woke from his nightmare to something (or someone-he was too groggy to tell) softly stroking his shoulder. He realized his entire body was shaking as he struggled to open his eyes and erase the vision of her blood soaked body on the ground. He was used to the nightmares by now but that didn't make them any less unnerving. Images of Kate with not one but ten bullets piercing her ribcage, him running and tackling the sniper, beating him until his lifeless body lay before his own in the graveyard.

When he finally eased himself upward on the couch, he realized that Kate was only inches away, looking concerned. His first thought was how badly he wanted to pull her up onto the couch with him and hold her there until he was reassured they were safe.

But he forced himself to push that desire aside, remembering that if she'd really wanted him, she wouldn't have lied to him all this time.

His mother had been right though (that was a scary thought), love wasn't a switch he could just turn off. He had tried. Goodness knows how hard he'd tried in the past few weeks to turn it off. But it hadn't worked. Not taking it out on her with little digs, not living it up with the blonde stewardess, Jucinda (Jacinda? Lucinda? –Hell, he didn't even care to remember), and definitely not trying to find a new muse.

He felt so foolish thinking that not only did she not love him, he couldn't just stop loving her either. Maybe all that was left was distance, he'd thought. Then, he'd received the call from Smith and she'd been plunged straight back into her mother's case. And he just couldn't keep his distance.

He loved her. He loved her more than he could ever have imagined. What's worse was he'd almost said it again last night. He had to keep her safe and he couldn't let her do this alone. So he'd come over to the loft and forced her to eat, worked on the case side by side, the whole time wishing desperately to pull her toward him and tell her that her life was worth so much more than this.

And now here she was, looking at him like _that_. Her warm hand still tracing patterns along his bicep. He swallowed nervously. He didn't know how much longer he could keep this up.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Again, all italicized lyrics are from Distance by Christina Perri. Thank you so much for reading._

* * *

_._

_And please don't stand so close to me_

_I'm having trouble breathing_

_I'm afraid of what you'll see right now_

_._

Castle closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to pull himself together. He could do this. They were partners and he was here just to help her with the case. While he was past the point of believing he could turn off his feelings, he had come to accept that he couldn't just leave either. Even if she'd lied, even if she didn't feel the same, she still deserved better than that. However, at the moment, he was fully resigned to the fact that being friends might actually kill him.

When he opened his eyes again Kate pulled her hand back suddenly, as though she hadn't realized what she'd been doing. Or what she'd been doing to him. The warmth of her hand still burned along his arm as if she'd left a mark, searing his skin. He shivered almost imperceptibly at the loss of contact, and he watched as her expression went from wistful to carefully guarded in a matter of seconds.

"Bad dream?" she asked as she bit at her bottom lip, looking up at him through dark eyelashes.

"I'm fine, Kate, nothing to worry about." He inwardly cursed himself as his voice came out more choked that he'd been hoping. "Why are you up so early?" he added, trying to deflect.

"I…I couldn't sleep." She looked down at the floor, pausing for a moment. "I get them too, you know," she said softly, her voice cracking ever so slightly.

Castle couldn't resist anymore. She may have pulled her hand away but she was still so close, sitting there, looking as miserable as he felt. He needed to do something, say something, anything to ease the pain.

He reached his hand to touch her chin gently, raising it so that her eyes met his. Dark green meeting dark blue. He watched as she sucked in a breath, perhaps startled at the sudden re-initiation of contact.

"Then, we'll just have to make it through them together." He held her gaze, refused to let her look away. "You're not in this alone."

He watched her eyes well up a little as she nodded.

"I know," she said, reaching her hand up to cover his.

If her touch had burned his arm before, this one felt like fire, igniting every sense in his body. And he was sure that he wasn't projecting_ friend_ or _partner_ in that moment but he was shocked to find that her eyes reflected exactly the same passion he felt.

For the first time since he'd discovered she'd been lying about the day she was shot, he couldn't help but believe just maybe everything hadn't been lost after all.

* * *

Kate was terrified that she'd screwed up again. He'd looked so miserable during that bad dream though. She had to wake him. She knew what the dreams were like. She knew about nights spent clawing at invisible snipers and waking up alone just to fall back into another fight. She didn't want him to suffer through that. So she'd touched him softly, hoping to ease him out of it without completely terrifying him.

The problem was once she touched him she didn't want to stop. There was a wildly scared look in his eyes when he first woke. But it was a look that changed quickly to confusion at her proximity, as he woke. She just wanted to reassure him – to be the one to comfort _him_, for once. Lost in her own thoughts, moments passed before she realized that he'd been awake long enough for the touch to no longer be within their usual boundaries.

So she pulled her arm away reluctantly, making sure to mask her feelings, for his sake. She still wasn't sure why they had been so out of sync, but she didn't want to make it worse if he no longer wanted her. She was sure if she looked him in the eye, he'd see everything she felt and she couldn't handle any more of his rejection.

But then, he reached out to her – his touch setting her skin on fire. She couldn't breathe as she heard him say the words, "You're not in this alone."

She cursed herself as she felt the beginnings of tears forming in her eyes and she struggled to choke out, "I know."

What good did it do to resist him anymore? Her eyes betrayed all of her feelings anyway. So she brought her hand to rest on his. And for the first time in a while, she allowed herself to hope.

* * *

.

_I'll give you everything I am_

_All my broken heartbeats_

_Until I know you understand_

_._

Castle didn't know how long they sat there. All he knew was that he didn't want to lose this connection. He stiffened as Kate pulled away, rising to stand. Was she going to run now?

Instead, he watched in awe as Kate extended her hand back toward his and asked, "Come with me? There's something I want to show you."

Castle looked at her curiously but didn't speak. He simply took her hand in his and followed her lead.

A few minutes later he found himself amazed yet again. "This is beautiful, Kate," he said breathlessly.

And it was truly beautiful. They stood overlooking the city, surrounded by purple lilies and orchids. The sun was still low in the sky, casting an orange glow across the garden.

"Did you…is this yours?" He finally asked.

"Last summer, when I got back from the cabin, I needed something. Even though I had survived, I felt like part of me had died. Looking back, I think that maybe I'd always thought part of me died right along with my mom years ago. But, I started seeing a therapist. And at the beginning it was all I could do to just put one foot in front of the other every day. I thought it'd be good to have something full of life again. Something to help me realize that I could be more than who I've been, buried in my mother's case. A place where I could go and see beauty." Kate said, pausing for a moment.

"I didn't know you were seeing a therapist," Castle replied, unable to mask his curiosity.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want to make excuses, I just wanted to put in the time and do the work. I started working on the garden whenever I'd feel like everything was just too much. I'd come up here and escape. And truly live for the first time in a long time. But, I just want you to know…I need you to know…I think I'm almost where I want to be right now." Kate looked at him hopefully, reaching to brush her fingers over his arm.

Castle's mind was racing a million miles a minute. Was she saying what he hoped she was saying? He had to know. "And where is that?"

"In a place where I can finally accept everything that happened that day," she said. "_Everything_," she emphasized.

Realization rolled over Castle like a wave as his heart began to race. "I think…I understand."

As he stood there, he was overcome with everything. From the beauty of their surroundings and the sunlight drawing gold flecks from the green in Kate's eyes, to hearing her words, _her_ beautiful words, healing the cracks that had split open in his heart over the past month.

"And that wall that I was telling you about…I think it's coming down," she said shyly, the smallest traces of a smile gracing her lips.

"Well, I'd like to be there when it does," Castle said, his mind now remembering their conversation nine months ago on the swings. _Oh how badly he wanted to be there when she was ready_.

"Yeah, I'd like you to be there too," Kate affirmed. "You are always there, you know," she added, taking a step closer to him. "You've been there through everything, even back when I tried to push you away. Even when all I am is a mess." Her voice trailed off. "I'm so sorry I'm such a mess, Rick." Her voice cracked on his name, emotions that they'd both tried for so long to push away, betrayed in her eyes.

"Oh, Kate, no..." Castle started. "I should never have walked away. I should have talked to you before. And I'm so sorry for all of the things I've done wrong lately. All I can do is promise I won't leave you again and that I will do whatever it takes to fix this if you'll let me," he said.

He watched her nod, tears swimming in her eyes. He finally reached out, pulled her toward him until her head rested against his shoulder, his hands wrapping around her waist. He could feel her heart beating against his own chest. Something he vowed to himself he'd never take for granted. He pulled back ever so slightly, reached to swipe his thumb across her cheek.

"And Kate, you're not a mess. You're the most extraordinary woman I've ever known."

* * *

.

_And I keep waiting for you to take me_

_You keep waiting to save what we have…_

_How long til we call this love, love, love?_

_._

Kate looked up into his eyes and felt like she was drowning. Was this how it felt to truly open up and let herself be loved? To be _in love_? This was the man who had waited all this time for her. The one who had just promised her _always_.

"I love you, Castle."

She immediately felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest. She couldn't keep from smiling and she watched as his eyes widened. His entire face lit up.

"I love you too, Kate, so much."

He pressed his lips softly against hers and everything else faded away under his touch.


End file.
